The thought occurs to me that maybe I said too much, too much talk, not enough walk, talked away from the place I could have been had I been a different man, in a different place and state than I am. Or was it that I talked away from the man who I really am, the one who doesn’t fuck around with what really matters, and who doesn’t give a shit what some one thinks about my idea of what matters? I am who I am, of course. God is within me, I am within God. We are one, and yet He is that He is, and I am who I am. Both male and female come from the Divine, come from the same place, and yet are heading in opposite directions towards each other. What a paradox. It is especially ironic when one or both of them tries to touch the other, and they wind up missing each other more than if they had not tried. Why do we do this, behave in ways that we know will push the other away, or cause them to doubt our sincerity, or lose Faith in us? Is it a reflection of our lack of Faith in our Selves? Are we so afraid of our power to be fully our selves and facing what that really means, and what consequences that will bring to us, that we behave in such a way as to undermine that, or cancel it out, to cause the other to think it was just a show, just a trick, so that we don’t have to accept the responsibility for who we really are?
Maybe I did some of that. This is a common thought. Maybe I let my Self down. Maybe I cut and ran. Maybe I sold my self short, yet again. It’s a common theme. Some call it a fear of success. Is it because with success comes a “lock-in?” With success comes a rigidity that says “this is the right way” and so we become lazy and just do that, lose the spirit of experimentation, of trying new things for their own sake? Questions are fun, aren’t they? Trying something new. Can that be overdone? Can it be done to the point where “Me” no longer means what it used to? That it has become a conglomeration of experiments and exaggerations, purposefully disproportionate emphases of sub-topics and related ideas. Where’s the beef? Where’s the heart of the matter? Speaking from the heart. That’s who I think I am. But what if I don’t show that to someone, and only bust on them and make fun of them? What separates me from the bully who used to pick on me? Yes, I’m acting from a place of love. Yes I only tease people whom I like, but do they know that? How can I speak from the heart and still tease and play? It’s easy, yes I know, but why is it that sometimes the other doesn’t receive it that way? Why is it that my impression of reality is different than theirs so much that I don’t realize that I’m being interpreted badly? Is it insensitivity on my part? Is it that I make a trade-off when I tease that tests the limits, and that what seems to me as more play passes some line in the other..s mind into a territory of a darker nature? How do I know how far I can go without taking the risk of going too far? The answer is, I can’t. Or, in other words: I know because I have, don’t because I haven’t, and will, when I do.