I did it again. I proceeded into a sexual relationship even though upon our first kiss, I felt a degree of a no, or something essential missing. The thing is, I also felt a degree of a yes, but it was not an infinite, spiritual, “this is it” yes. Rather, it was more a physical, temporal, “I want you” yes, mixed with some fantasy, dream, “you seem like an idea of a kind of woman I imagine that I want to be with” yes. But the essential infinite, all-encompassing, whole body-soul-mind-spirit, “I’m open to this all the way in my heart and am completely in awe of the infinite beauty of this eternal experience” yes was present only to a limited degree, and was too weak in comparison with the physical attraction and dream projection. And I’m re-discovering again, for the nth time, that this spiritual yes is the most important one – and really the only one that matters at all. The others are empty husks, reflections several degrees removed from the source of true happiness: spiritual oneness.
Unfortunately, almost every single sexual relationship I’ve entered into has begun with a similar experience of the spiritual yes missing entirely or only present in a marginal degree. My most recent lovers have been the highest degree of presence of this spiritual yes, but it’s still been less than an infinite eternal one. Is this even attainable? My pattern has been to override my spiritual no/maybe and proceed with the lower forms of yes. And I have been with many lovers (30).
I’m sorry, God, and my Self, for sacrificing the possibility of an infinite spiritual union for a handful of moments of fleeting transitory fornication, of carnal tension release, of opening the gates of love-bonding too soon or at the wrong time.
What is the critical and essential ingredient that could possibly bring this infinite spiritual yes to fruition, if any? One factor that I increasingly consider is the desire, openness, and intention for a conception of a child to occur as a result of love-making. This is the most literal, fundamental, and tangibly eternal union of two beings. Yes, the spiritual heart bond that can result from two lovers uniting in love-making can so entangle the particles of their energetic beings that they feel each other’s heart beats from across the planet, and know when something happens to each other instantly. But these hearts can also become dis-entangled with time , and I increasingly see this quantum heart entanglement as a secondary effect in direct service of the physical uniting of each other’s DNA into a new being. This physical DNA binding, when combined with the spiritual quantum entanglement of the lovers’ hearts, is the raison d’être of life. Life brings forth life, which brings forth life, which brings forth life, etc.
I’ve only a few times had the experience of love-making in which I was open to the possibility of a child being conceived. But never was this a mutual agreed upon experience with my partner. Every time it was a moment of passion in which the experience of cumming inside my lover overwhelmed me at the moment of orgasm, a moment in which I made the choice that if a new someone were to be conceived in this moment, that would be fine with me. However, in every case, my partner did not agree with my spontaneous decision. And even though they have been extremely caring and understanding, in no case was there an expression of approval for having taken such a liberty with their fertility. They, after all, are the ones who are immeasurably more impacted by the reality of conception than I, the man, am.
Making a baby is a big deal. One not to be taken lightly. Creating a new being and raising them up to be a good person is the most important and significant act we can possibly do in this world. The imperative to take this responsibility seriously is I think the main factor in why my sexual relationships have consistently been superficial and unfulfilling. I’ve yet to be with someone with whom I would happily and with no second thoughts enter into parenthood and devote the rest of my life to being a father and a husband.
So now what? Do I stop having sex? I’ve been contemplating taking a one year break from sex, to clear my slate, to get clear on what I want, and to give myself a chance to be more sure of what any potential partner really brings to the union. But really, do I just want to take a year break from a sex-driven union? Or is what I really want instead rather to shift to a completely different paradigm? Rather than taking a break from sex, maybe what I’m really wanting is to stop having shallow sexual relationships and instead enter into a divine and sacred union of conception and parenthood with a soul mate and partner for life. In this union, we don’t have mere sex, rather we make divine love. In this view, may my next lover be my sacred wife forever.