A Spiritual Yes

I did it again. I proceeded into a sexual relationship even though upon our first kiss, I felt a degree of a no, or something essential missing. The thing is, I also felt a degree of a yes, but it was not an infinite, spiritual, “this is it” yes. Rather, it was more a physical, temporal, “I want you” yes, mixed with some fantasy, dream, “you seem like an idea of a kind of woman I imagine that I want to be with” yes. But the essential infinite, all-encompassing, whole body-soul-mind-spirit, “I’m open to this all the way in my heart and am completely in awe of the infinite beauty of this eternal experience” yes was present only to a limited degree, and was too weak in comparison with the physical attraction and dream projection.  And I’m re-discovering again, for the nth time, that this spiritual yes is the most important one – and really the only one that matters at all. The others are empty husks, reflections several degrees removed from the source of true happiness: spiritual oneness.

Unfortunately, almost every single sexual relationship I’ve entered into has begun with a similar experience of the spiritual yes missing entirely or only present in a marginal degree.  My most recent lovers have been the highest degree of presence of this spiritual yes, but it’s still been less than an infinite eternal one.  Is this even attainable?  My pattern has been to override my spiritual no/maybe and proceed with the lower forms of yes.  And I have been with many lovers (30).

I’m sorry, God, and my Self, for sacrificing the possibility of an infinite spiritual union for a handful of moments of fleeting transitory fornication, of carnal tension release, of opening the gates of love-bonding too soon or at the wrong time.

What is the critical and essential ingredient that could possibly bring this infinite spiritual yes to fruition, if any?  One factor that I increasingly consider is the desire, openness, and intention for a conception of a child to occur as a result of love-making.  This is the most literal, fundamental, and tangibly eternal union of two beings.   Yes, the spiritual heart bond that can result from two lovers uniting in love-making can so entangle the particles of their energetic beings that they feel each other’s heart beats from across the planet, and know when something happens to each other instantly.  But these hearts can also become dis-entangled with time , and I increasingly see this quantum heart entanglement as a secondary effect in direct service of the physical uniting of each other’s DNA into a new being.  This physical DNA binding, when combined with the spiritual quantum entanglement of the lovers’ hearts, is the raison d’être of life.  Life brings forth life, which brings forth life, which brings forth life, etc.

I’ve only a few times had the experience of love-making in which I was open to the possibility of a child being conceived.  But never was this a mutual agreed upon experience with my partner.  Every time it was a moment of passion in which the experience of cumming inside my lover overwhelmed me at the moment of orgasm, a moment in which I made the choice that if a new someone were to be conceived in this moment, that would be fine with me.  However, in every case, my partner did not agree with my spontaneous decision.  And even though they have been extremely caring and understanding, in no case was there an expression of approval for having taken such a liberty with their fertility.  They, after all, are the ones who are immeasurably more impacted by the reality of conception than I, the man, am.

Making a baby is a big deal.  One not to be taken lightly.  Creating a new being and raising them up to be a good person is the most important and significant act we can possibly do in this world.  The imperative to take this responsibility seriously is I think the main factor in why my sexual relationships have consistently been superficial and unfulfilling.  I’ve yet to be with someone with whom I would happily and with no second thoughts enter into parenthood and devote the rest of my life to being a father and a husband.

So now what?  Do I stop having sex?  I’ve been contemplating taking a one year break from sex, to clear my slate, to get clear on what I want, and to give myself a chance to be more sure of what any potential partner really brings to the union.  But really, do I just want to take a year break from a sex-driven union?  Or is what I really want instead rather to shift to a completely different paradigm?  Rather than taking a break from sex, maybe what I’m really wanting is to stop having shallow sexual relationships and instead enter into a divine and sacred union of conception and parenthood with a soul mate and partner for life.  In this union, we don’t have mere sex, rather we make divine love.  In this view, may my next lover be my sacred wife forever.

20 thoughts on “A Spiritual Yes”

  1. Interesting post…

    Until recently I was searching for that partner who would fill in my missing pieces. Time and time again I was hurt and I hurt others. Enough damage has been done that now I find myself utterly unable to love, and be loved, that would make such a fairy tale possible.

    I like to talk to aged folks about their experience with love. There are some ancient couples who are very much in love. Others who have established working partnerships where they find meaning in having a happy, well-adjusted set of kids and grandkids. There’s a lot to be said for a healthy, prosperous home.

    Then there are those divorcees. Many are broken, unable to move past the disappointment of their broken life. Yet equally there are those who have returned to the spirit of youth, living life with gusto and enjoyment, constantly finding new adventure. With the wisdom of age and their biological imperative satisfied, they can experience life with unbridled freedom.

    And last we come to the lifelong bachelors and spinsters: The men who always wanted a wife and family but somehow missed every boat walk with their heads down with a gnawing loneliness. The women who never had a child can seem broken hearted, even resentful.

    And then there’s those young families, so many of them, who hate their spouses. Their faces burn with despair and isolation; stuck constantly being around someone they’ve learned to hate for the sake of their children. I see them leave the grocery store, the woman doing her best to keep her zest, the man trailing behind with his head down, milking every second of solitude before he gets in the car and resumes his daily nightmare.

    Of course there are those rare, happy families. The proud parents who love each other, maybe even as much as they love their kids who are wide eyed and curious, trusting their parents absolutely. I believe these families are formed by two individuals who know themselves and have formed a partnership that complements and enhances the participants for who they are, not what the other wants them to be.

    Each and every one of us is conditioned to believe a partner and then family will bring us to happiness. So often it’s the opposite. We are virtually clueless. We reject our conditioning yet find ourselves repeating the same patterns. “I hate being alone, I need a partner to thrive and share the world with.” Becomes, “I hate my partner, I need to be alone to do the things I like doing and experience the world.” We’re rarely satisfied with what we have.

    Traditional marriage is broken. Strict moral codes of sex were effective at keeping society relatively stable, but the solvent that is pre-marital sex has washed away that glue. Everyone in our generation knows we need to find new ethics of relationship, but we are entirely confused. We have limitless sex partners, the freedom to do whatever with whoever we want until we get into a relationship, then we’re just supposed to stop doing that? So we force ourselves, but to stray is inevitable. So we indulge in fantasy, or we cheat, or we resent our partner. However we cope the relationship becomes distant, less honest.

    I understand the hedonism of our times, even though I’m not comfortable with it. Maybe it’s that conditioning, but my heart (as shielded and unavailable as it is) doesn’t let me go through with it. Because when I do go through with it my heart gets engaged, or hers does, and someone gets hurt. Or maybe we both are into it

  2. … continued:

    and then the patterns start all over again.

    We desperately need to take an honest study of ourselves and our families. We should ignore popular feminist who have made up answers to these issues just as we have tuned out the pastors who preach archaic prescriptions from ancient tribal elders.

    We need each other. We need sex. We need love. Support. Trust. Commitment. Companionship. We must find a way to honor the sacred garden that that very precious love grows out of, that perfect feeling of lying there with someone we absolutely love.

    We need to propagate the species.

    For my part I am learning to be honest with myself the kind of love I can receive, not just with my partner but with all kinds of people and ways. I am learning to express these truths to the people who will be affected; whose expectations may not align. Or perhaps I will find they do, or can.

    For me I know that the degree to which I am free to so what I want when I want is has a big impact on my happiness; the state of being that enables me to live life fully rather than stagnate and slog through responsibilities.

    I don’t know what love is. But I’m on a new journey to find out.

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