I did it again. I proceeded into a sexual relationship even though upon our first kiss, I felt a degree of a no, or something essential missing. The thing is, I also felt a degree of a yes, but it was not an infinite, spiritual, “this is it” yes. Rather, it was more a physical, temporal, “I want you” yes, mixed with some fantasy, dream, “you seem like an idea of a kind of woman I imagine that I want to be with” yes. But the essential infinite, all-encompassing, whole body-soul-mind-spirit, “I’m open to this all the way in my heart and am completely in awe of the infinite beauty of this eternal experience” yes was present only to a limited degree, and was too weak in comparison with the physical attraction and dream projection. And I’m re-discovering again, for the nth time, that this spiritual yes is the most important one – and really the only one that matters at all. The others are empty husks, reflections several degrees removed from the source of true happiness: spiritual oneness.
Unfortunately, almost every single sexual relationship I’ve entered into has begun with a similar experience of the spiritual yes missing entirely or only present in a marginal degree. My most recent lovers have been the highest degree of presence of this spiritual yes, but it’s still been less than an infinite eternal one. Is this even attainable? My pattern has been to override my spiritual no/maybe and proceed with the lower forms of yes. And I have been with many lovers (30).
I’m sorry, God, and my Self, for sacrificing the possibility of an infinite spiritual union for a handful of moments of fleeting transitory fornication, of carnal tension release, of opening the gates of love-bonding too soon or at the wrong time.
What is the critical and essential ingredient that could possibly bring this infinite spiritual yes to fruition, if any? One factor that I increasingly consider is the desire, openness, and intention for a conception of a child to occur as a result of love-making. This is the most literal, fundamental, and tangibly eternal union of two beings. Yes, the spiritual heart bond that can result from two lovers uniting in love-making can so entangle the particles of their energetic beings that they feel each other’s heart beats from across the planet, and know when something happens to each other instantly. But these hearts can also become dis-entangled with time , and I increasingly see this quantum heart entanglement as a secondary effect in direct service of the physical uniting of each other’s DNA into a new being. This physical DNA binding, when combined with the spiritual quantum entanglement of the lovers’ hearts, is the raison d’être of life. Life brings forth life, which brings forth life, which brings forth life, etc.
I’ve only a few times had the experience of love-making in which I was open to the possibility of a child being conceived. But never was this a mutual agreed upon experience with my partner. Every time it was a moment of passion in which the experience of cumming inside my lover overwhelmed me at the moment of orgasm, a moment in which I made the choice that if a new someone were to be conceived in this moment, that would be fine with me. However, in every case, my partner did not agree with my spontaneous decision. And even though they have been extremely caring and understanding, in no case was there an expression of approval for having taken such a liberty with their fertility. They, after all, are the ones who are immeasurably more impacted by the reality of conception than I, the man, am.
Making a baby is a big deal. One not to be taken lightly. Creating a new being and raising them up to be a good person is the most important and significant act we can possibly do in this world. The imperative to take this responsibility seriously is I think the main factor in why my sexual relationships have consistently been superficial and unfulfilling. I’ve yet to be with someone with whom I would happily and with no second thoughts enter into parenthood and devote the rest of my life to being a father and a husband.
So now what? Do I stop having sex? I’ve been contemplating taking a one year break from sex, to clear my slate, to get clear on what I want, and to give myself a chance to be more sure of what any potential partner really brings to the union. But really, do I just want to take a year break from a sex-driven union? Or is what I really want instead rather to shift to a completely different paradigm? Rather than taking a break from sex, maybe what I’m really wanting is to stop having shallow sexual relationships and instead enter into a divine and sacred union of conception and parenthood with a soul mate and partner for life. In this union, we don’t have mere sex, rather we make divine love. In this view, may my next lover be my sacred wife forever.
It is hard to stay alone and abstain till you find the spiritual yes… It might be a long time, or surprisingly short. I have been waiting and abstaining for a long time but I feel better alone and whole than half fulfilled. Thanks for sharing your experience.
I am so proud of you! Thank you for setting a strong example of questions I have witnessed men asking themselves as they discover the threshold of sacred feminine ♡♡♡ Many more blessings on your journey friend
Sending you love on your path, Thomas.
Dang, Thomas! You got deep there! I don’t know… If you wait for that perfect time and perfect circumstance, you’ll never have kids. It sounds to me like you’re listening to your biological clock (or that of your partners) instead of just being in the moment. Love just happens. Either it works or it doesn’t. And sometimes it starts off great and then the two of you reach a deadlock. None of that is bad. You just have to remember that perfect doesn’t really exist. I guess in my own life, I am at the I don’t want to bother with the drama and I have these kids who will be my ultimate judges so it’s just easier not to pursue looking for love.
Sometimes your heart sweeps you off your feet and refuses to let your mind be heard. That’s fun.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that you are probably thinking too much into relationships. They either feel right or they don’t. If you question that, I’d assume they just don’t feel right and you should listen to your instincts.
But you won’t ever find someone so perfect that they fit into a dream based mold. No happy couples go without differences. But there’s something between them that makes the differences part of the awesome bond they chose to nourish.
My aunt is a vegetarian liberal. My uncle eats tons of meat and is more conservative. But their differences compliment each other and I know how in love they are after all these years.
Just think… If you had it all right now. Everything was just how you hoped it would be, what would you do with it? You’d probably just get bored.
But again, if you’re kissing or fucking someone who you’d rather not have in your bubble, listen to that and save both of yourselves the baggage. It doesn’t have to be sex for the sake of sex. And you don’t have to kiss someone you only think you like. But you could do both if that’s what you both showed up for. Cause why not.
I guess I kinda judge people on a larger level than would I like to see this person tomorrow, too. But it’s a lonely way to be and I’m sure I’ve shut out many a good heart just because I have this in achievable mental list of qualities I think someone should have. Don’t do that. Just go with the flow. Nothing says you have to stop and marry the next person you spend time with. Nothing says they will do that for you anyway. But if we don’t take risks, we will never know, will we?
i appreciated the baring of your heart in that post. Thanks for being an example of authenticity, yearning, wonder and not-having-all-the-answers. I read a book some years ago called “From the Mating dance to the Cosmic Dance” by Sivanada Radha that made an impact on me. One of the things I have always remembered is how she
Thomas, hats off to your style: your authenticity, thoughtfulness, and reverence for love. Its such an honor to be your friend, even if peripherally.
I think Tom Robbins is smart. While I don’t follow the quote below as gospel, it struck a cord with me a couple years ago and it shifted my trajectory, happily.
So many beautiful deserving people to love, so little time.
“We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love.”
I’ve done intentional celibacies. Told myself I wasn’t going to rush in again. Then I do. Just did again recently. But this time it felt ok because he treated me SO well. I say ok because it wasn’t a huge yes in the beginning. It didn’t become that. And stuff came up to let me know it wasn’t going to work. Yet I saw how my thought that being friends first, in this case, would have prolonged finding out that we should really just be friends. I don’t think there’s a formula. I think u have to try when u sense possibility. And trust your feelings. That’s my biggest lesson & probably will be for a long time. And when u do that, the plans your mind makes can fall apart. I think how we proceed can change over time. I think beginnings don’t always foretell endings. I think we get what we need for where we’re at, whether partnered or single. I’m trying to learn to trust that.
Wow Thomas Spellman, thank you for your transparency……and thank you for your reflections on a most important topic. I decided, after my husband “left” to opt for celibacy and have held true to that. Is it easy? No! But nothing worth anything is really going to be easy. I pray that the Lord will send you that perfect “life mate” to complete you. You are an amazing person.
With much love….. <3
I was contemplating this similar thing this morning. I have decided not to be romantically involved with someone who doesn’t trigger in me all the full union yes signals because I don’t want to fall in love with someone I don’t want to stay with. The thing is, it seems we’re sometimes entangled with somene for a time, season and purpose. I’m beginning to seriously question the permanency of anything. I married and co-created new people with someone I had full spiritual union with but the physical and emotional union were lacking. Now I find myself disentangled and separating with these children at the mercy of my choices. I wouldn’t want to risk conception with someone with whom I don’t feel a deep enough bond to have a permanent relationship. While my children’s father and I may no longer be involved romantically, we are forever bound in the dance of co-parenting. It is well to pursue a pure union but I caution doing so with any conditions. To choose a spouse or child means embracing what may come as it comes. Permanent partnership means partnering despite any situations that may arise, and can we truly know if that will be our stance when it arrives? To create a child means we commit to parenting despite the outcome of our relationship to the co-creator. For my part, I’m taking a break from sex and romance to balance and love myself and my connection to Divine Spirit/God. After all, we attract what we project.
I have been crushed too greatly and too often at this point to put myself out there for less than what i need. Does that person exist? I haven’t the slightest clue. But I have tried the ‘almost enough’ and have been left shattered.
Tomaso… I love you My Friend. Thank you For putting your Heart out in such a way. I see you and honor you For the good good man you are. I dont believe in the perfect Union anymore, it was much easier to idealize such thing when i was in My twenties when i was a lot less in connection with Who i was and what i needed. It was a lot easier to be swept off My feet in that type of love. Coming in My thirties has brought me New insights in what true partneship is. Lets have tea and connect , i would much rather see you in person than write you here in fb.
I very much relate, Giulia. I feel like I’m on a similar path and I love the path.
Also: I’m wary of being guided by “forever after” hopes. Love has a specific sunrise and sunset for every connection and to feel for this honors humanity best, it seems to me. I think we should follow love where it takes us, not lead love to where we think it should go.
I think all of our needs and desires change as we grow and why on earth would two people’s needs and desires develop in unison? There is no natural law for creating such a dynamic.
I think a two month love affair can be as “perfect” as a lifetime love affair and I suspect that exclusive lifetime relationships don’t often honor love best.
Stopping before I ramble and wander away from your specific question too far.
Your completely candid and earnest searching inspires me.
What a powerful ending! Reading this article is so refreshing as a conscious, single woman. Siento esperanza en nuestro camino.
Interesting post…
Until recently I was searching for that partner who would fill in my missing pieces. Time and time again I was hurt and I hurt others. Enough damage has been done that now I find myself utterly unable to love, and be loved, that would make such a fairy tale possible.
I like to talk to aged folks about their experience with love. There are some ancient couples who are very much in love. Others who have established working partnerships where they find meaning in having a happy, well-adjusted set of kids and grandkids. There’s a lot to be said for a healthy, prosperous home.
Then there are those divorcees. Many are broken, unable to move past the disappointment of their broken life. Yet equally there are those who have returned to the spirit of youth, living life with gusto and enjoyment, constantly finding new adventure. With the wisdom of age and their biological imperative satisfied, they can experience life with unbridled freedom.
And last we come to the lifelong bachelors and spinsters: The men who always wanted a wife and family but somehow missed every boat walk with their heads down with a gnawing loneliness. The women who never had a child can seem broken hearted, even resentful.
And then there’s those young families, so many of them, who hate their spouses. Their faces burn with despair and isolation; stuck constantly being around someone they’ve learned to hate for the sake of their children. I see them leave the grocery store, the woman doing her best to keep her zest, the man trailing behind with his head down, milking every second of solitude before he gets in the car and resumes his daily nightmare.
Of course there are those rare, happy families. The proud parents who love each other, maybe even as much as they love their kids who are wide eyed and curious, trusting their parents absolutely. I believe these families are formed by two individuals who know themselves and have formed a partnership that complements and enhances the participants for who they are, not what the other wants them to be.
Each and every one of us is conditioned to believe a partner and then family will bring us to happiness. So often it’s the opposite. We are virtually clueless. We reject our conditioning yet find ourselves repeating the same patterns. “I hate being alone, I need a partner to thrive and share the world with.” Becomes, “I hate my partner, I need to be alone to do the things I like doing and experience the world.” We’re rarely satisfied with what we have.
Traditional marriage is broken. Strict moral codes of sex were effective at keeping society relatively stable, but the solvent that is pre-marital sex has washed away that glue. Everyone in our generation knows we need to find new ethics of relationship, but we are entirely confused. We have limitless sex partners, the freedom to do whatever with whoever we want until we get into a relationship, then we’re just supposed to stop doing that? So we force ourselves, but to stray is inevitable. So we indulge in fantasy, or we cheat, or we resent our partner. However we cope the relationship becomes distant, less honest.
I understand the hedonism of our times, even though I’m not comfortable with it. Maybe it’s that conditioning, but my heart (as shielded and unavailable as it is) doesn’t let me go through with it. Because when I do go through with it my heart gets engaged, or hers does, and someone gets hurt. Or maybe we both are into it
… continued:
and then the patterns start all over again.
We desperately need to take an honest study of ourselves and our families. We should ignore popular feminist who have made up answers to these issues just as we have tuned out the pastors who preach archaic prescriptions from ancient tribal elders.
We need each other. We need sex. We need love. Support. Trust. Commitment. Companionship. We must find a way to honor the sacred garden that that very precious love grows out of, that perfect feeling of lying there with someone we absolutely love.
We need to propagate the species.
For my part I am learning to be honest with myself the kind of love I can receive, not just with my partner but with all kinds of people and ways. I am learning to express these truths to the people who will be affected; whose expectations may not align. Or perhaps I will find they do, or can.
For me I know that the degree to which I am free to so what I want when I want is has a big impact on my happiness; the state of being that enables me to live life fully rather than stagnate and slog through responsibilities.
I don’t know what love is. But I’m on a new journey to find out.
i appreciate your sharing, Thomas! and it seems you have very strong ideals for your romantic life, which could be a good thing (you know what you want) but could also cost you some deep connection and the whole process of getting to know women as they are. in my experience in love, nothing is as it first appears. the hormonal infatuation/attraction can be so powerful as to blind me to seeing clearly… ive had total “soul attractions” that ended (after a very short time) in total burn fire hell “what the fuck was i thinking” and my longest relationship of 6 years actually started with me saying “no way will i ever date that guy.” it took him a long time to win my heart. we lived together happily for almost all of those six years. we had our problems, our conflicts, but there was a deeper love there that went beyond a surface physical attraction and there was nurturing and trust there that i had not experienced before. even today we are still good friends.. yes breaking up was painful but he was always a real friend.. and i feel he always will be! To me, real friendship is more valuable than exciting hot dates because i can just relax and be myself versus feeling like im on display or trying to be as cool or attractive as possible.. …….as for kids, i am clear with myself that i dont want that in my life at this moment, and i dont feel its wrong to have sex with a clear intention to not create new life… to me it is pure honesty, im not ashamed of that especially in todays world which is hard on parents… maybe if i felt a larger support system i would feel differently but for me, not bringing a kid into my crazy life feels like the most compassionate thing. but why is it wrong to express deep love for my partner in that way? we have been together five years now and there is love and trust and to me, love and trust are the sexiest things of all!
that being said, i feel there is this modern desire for “instant gratification” that can be dangerous or at the very least misleading. in our grandparents time, there was no fast food and if you wanted a nice house you had to build it yourself. i respect your desire to have kids. but i also feel that there are too many children of divorced parents… and having a partner who is one himself shows me the emotional suffering that kids of these chaotic families often endure. it takes time to build a friendship, longer to build a marriage and way longer to grow a human being… even if parents cant work it out to live together (which in my opinion is the ideal situation for a child…), they still have to work out so many details and logistics and finances etc. together for the next 18 years at least!! so its good to be sure you have found someone you can share that level of accountability/responsibility with… ….I would say… instead of looking for the perfect woman, focus on being the perfect man and partner! actually in my experience perfect people do not exist, but i can be clear about what i want my relationship to look like, and feel like, and honest with myself about what gifts i have to offer and what i am wanting to receive from a partner and grow a perfect relationship from that kind of deep reflection/honesty. it is beautiful to know what you want! which seems you are clear on. but dont be surprised if you find true love coming from where you least expected it. and most importantly, be patient with yourself… and with the women you date. the most fragrant flowers take the longest to bloom. i can tell you have a beautiful and sincere heart, and i honor your life and experience, i know we all go thru different things for different reasons! i hope you dont feel judged… i only share my own experience in hopes that someone else can benefit from little insights i have encountered along the way.. and though i have no child of my own i feel i have learned a lot about what it takes to raise one living with a man who has four of them!! they are such incredible heart opening sweetness and joy but remember.. that pretty package comes with the price of hard work and non stop responsibility 😉 <3
Looking back, I’d say, one of the important things to reaching a deep/married kind of relationships is humility in BOTH partners that – without training, most relationships will not be strong. We are not taught how to be in relationship, it is a skill, like any other that needs coaching. Finding a partner willing to train at relationship with you and face their shadow responsibly would be a paramount requirement. I’d even go so far as to say – a healthy sex life would be born from such a commitment, even if it was weak at first. And, Nevada County can be a tough place to love and family in. Best wishes to your on your quest.
Wow, thank you all for the wonderful reflections! I’m honored and humbled to get to share and receive such meaningful ideas with you!
In my reflections and a few related conversations since I wrote that article, a general theme has arisen: my experiences are milestones along a progression on my path of self-improvement and openness to infinite love and eternal being. One conversation, in particular, highlighted to me that all my relationships have primarily been based around the lower chakras, with a general trend over time of progression from the lowest up to just below the heart chakra. My sense is that I’m just beginning to experience what heart centered partnership is, and it’s both the most exciting and also the most challenging experience ever. My heart chakra is where growing up I was most shut down and where I stored most of my introjected tension and “stuff.” When I started meditating in my mid-twenties, I realized how much I’d stuffed here and began opening, a process that continues today. Through my meditation and spiritual practice, I’ve found my self-identity gravitating upwards towards and through my crown, and yet my heart has continued to be a weakness in my whole being identity. I think this article highlights my desire to jump straight to a crown-based union, but possibly partly with some avoidance of really growing, healing, and fully manifesting my heart.
This is all to say that I recognize that the magic key, so to speak, is my own whole Self as the one whom I am wishing to find, and the more I stand and grow into my own fullest expression, the more likely I am to attract a partner who is similarly resonating at all levels of her being. And it is only through both of us fully saying, living, and feeling “yes” to our own fullest expressions and experiences that we can hope to partner in raising a child who will live their life to their fullest potential.