All posts by Thomas Spellman

Sacred Sexuality

A friend asked me what resonates with me most about a recent interview with David Deida by Common Ground (page 40).

What resonates with me most is what he describes as third stage experience and relationship (or what I call identity), in which “we allow the universe to live us.” “All of us are being lived by an infinite force that is living everything.” “When you rest in this present moment, it is wide open. In your masculine, there is nothing happening.” “Finding your purpose is fully sinking into the present moment and letting reality manifest through you as a gift to all.” There’s very little stereotypically “masculine” or “feminine”  in that.

I’ve been mainly focusing on Consciousness itself as the big “I” in my identity, rather than more specific objective characteristics of “masculinity,” “man,” or “male.” Before I am a man, I am I AMness itself. I’ve been looking at Consciousness as a universal identity that applies equally to both masculine and feminine, like a single larger circle and center pivot point that encompasses and roots the overlapping circles of masculine/feminine, yin/yang. In my experience and view, one can sometimes identify so much with one’s polar identity that some universal consciousness attributes can become weakened, and over-dependence on the complimentary polarity can result. Whereas keeping the polar identity in a second position to the singular universal “I” of Consciousness can both ground and also invigorate the polarity identity, by giving it foundation as well as a greater scope and potential.  One can always look at the point of common unity in a duality, and that’s generally the best place to relax into in a polar relationship.

However, it’s interesting that David names the highest expression of the masculine as consciousness, and the feminine as something else like light, energy, radiance, and emotion, if I’m reading it correctly. I tend to see this as a colorization caused by his own natural masculine lense, and the historical “male-gazing spiritual traditions,” as he mentions. In my opinion, by letting one of the polarities “own” consciousness, it perpetuates a conceptual duality.

My intuition leads me to name the highest of both polarities as pure consciousness or light, with the masculine having a hue with a penetrating quality, and the feminine having a hue with a surrounding or encompassing quality, etc.  The duality is one of complimentary hues, rather than separate characteristics.  But this is just an attempt to find the right words for something that is profoundly transcendent over names and labels.

I’ll most likely reread it at some point to get more of what he’s saying.

A Spiritual Yes

I did it again. I proceeded into a sexual relationship even though upon our first kiss, I felt a degree of a no, or something essential missing. The thing is, I also felt a degree of a yes, but it was not an infinite, spiritual, “this is it” yes. Rather, it was more a physical, temporal, “I want you” yes, mixed with some fantasy, dream, “you seem like an idea of a kind of woman I imagine that I want to be with” yes. But the essential infinite, all-encompassing, whole body-soul-mind-spirit, “I’m open to this all the way in my heart and am completely in awe of the infinite beauty of this eternal experience” yes was present only to a limited degree, and was too weak in comparison with the physical attraction and dream projection.  And I’m re-discovering again, for the nth time, that this spiritual yes is the most important one – and really the only one that matters at all. The others are empty husks, reflections several degrees removed from the source of true happiness: spiritual oneness.

Unfortunately, almost every single sexual relationship I’ve entered into has begun with a similar experience of the spiritual yes missing entirely or only present in a marginal degree.  My most recent lovers have been the highest degree of presence of this spiritual yes, but it’s still been less than an infinite eternal one.  Is this even attainable?  My pattern has been to override my spiritual no/maybe and proceed with the lower forms of yes.  And I have been with many lovers (30).

I’m sorry, God, and my Self, for sacrificing the possibility of an infinite spiritual union for a handful of moments of fleeting transitory fornication, of carnal tension release, of opening the gates of love-bonding too soon or at the wrong time.

What is the critical and essential ingredient that could possibly bring this infinite spiritual yes to fruition, if any?  One factor that I increasingly consider is the desire, openness, and intention for a conception of a child to occur as a result of love-making.  This is the most literal, fundamental, and tangibly eternal union of two beings.   Yes, the spiritual heart bond that can result from two lovers uniting in love-making can so entangle the particles of their energetic beings that they feel each other’s heart beats from across the planet, and know when something happens to each other instantly.  But these hearts can also become dis-entangled with time , and I increasingly see this quantum heart entanglement as a secondary effect in direct service of the physical uniting of each other’s DNA into a new being.  This physical DNA binding, when combined with the spiritual quantum entanglement of the lovers’ hearts, is the raison d’être of life.  Life brings forth life, which brings forth life, which brings forth life, etc.

I’ve only a few times had the experience of love-making in which I was open to the possibility of a child being conceived.  But never was this a mutual agreed upon experience with my partner.  Every time it was a moment of passion in which the experience of cumming inside my lover overwhelmed me at the moment of orgasm, a moment in which I made the choice that if a new someone were to be conceived in this moment, that would be fine with me.  However, in every case, my partner did not agree with my spontaneous decision.  And even though they have been extremely caring and understanding, in no case was there an expression of approval for having taken such a liberty with their fertility.  They, after all, are the ones who are immeasurably more impacted by the reality of conception than I, the man, am.

Making a baby is a big deal.  One not to be taken lightly.  Creating a new being and raising them up to be a good person is the most important and significant act we can possibly do in this world.  The imperative to take this responsibility seriously is I think the main factor in why my sexual relationships have consistently been superficial and unfulfilling.  I’ve yet to be with someone with whom I would happily and with no second thoughts enter into parenthood and devote the rest of my life to being a father and a husband.

So now what?  Do I stop having sex?  I’ve been contemplating taking a one year break from sex, to clear my slate, to get clear on what I want, and to give myself a chance to be more sure of what any potential partner really brings to the union.  But really, do I just want to take a year break from a sex-driven union?  Or is what I really want instead rather to shift to a completely different paradigm?  Rather than taking a break from sex, maybe what I’m really wanting is to stop having shallow sexual relationships and instead enter into a divine and sacred union of conception and parenthood with a soul mate and partner for life.  In this union, we don’t have mere sex, rather we make divine love.  In this view, may my next lover be my sacred wife forever.

A Most Beautiful Child

4/9/16

A chorus of beautiful and melodious, male and female voices:

Chorus: “We beseech Thee to incline the ear of your heart to the Voice of God at every moment. We ask Thee that even if on your death bed, to strive with your utmost to raise up your attention to the Most Glorious Who is with you at all times.”

(10 minute pause as I get my journal and get distracted reading a remarkable 6 page entry from the night before that I had almost no memory writing.)

Ch: “We see that you are failing to realize the significance of this event.”

Me: “This is very likely …”

Chorus: “Hearing Our Voice is the most significant day of your life. Make a note of the date”

Me: 4/9/16?

Ch: “The Reason for this interaction is first for you to gain experience with receiving …”

Me: “yes”

Ch: “… and for withholding your own voice when unnecessary …”

Me: “…”

Ch: “Good.”

Ch: “Another Reason is to emphasize the Truth of the statement you made to Stephen-David of your own volition that the Most Great Covenant between God and His Creation is that His Grace is Present continuously in every point in space and time. This is a Most Profound Truth.”

Ch: “Now hearken unto the Voice of the Lote Tree …”

(The voice of the Lote Tree was a singular, deep, male, and profoundly resonant voice, rooted in the infinite absolute)

Lote Tree: “Hello My Son”

Me: “Hello My Lord”

LT: “Your wish will be granted of the birth of a most beautiful child with a most beautiful woman. Even 2 or 3 most beautiful children with this most beautiful woman …”

LT: “They will be signs of My Grace and Beauty in My Creation.”

Me: “Thank you. You are truly the Most Gracious … I am … words fail … Infinite Gratitude and Appreciation …”

Me: “…”

Me: “Is there anything else?”

LT: “That is all … for now …”

(spine shiver)

(I had trouble remembering the exact words around the 2nd and 3rd children, so I asked the chorus, and they said:)

Ch: “2 or 3 most beautiful children with this most beautiful woman.”

Ch: “It would be better for you to only have one so that They might receive more of your abundance of attention and love.”

Towards a universal trade protocol

In this great talk by Bernard Lietaer, he talks about why the presence of complementary currencies actually INCREASE the stability of a nation’s official currency: Bernard Lietaer – Why we Need a Monetary Ecosystem, INRIA 2014

I’m 100% in agreement that we need complementary currencies to increase the sustainability of our trade networks, both alternative forms (like the e-dollar) of the main competitive debt-based national currencies, but also, and especially, other types of currencies based on different rules (such as to facilitate cooperation over competition, or to incentivize local trade over global trade, etc).

You might enjoy a very short paper that summarizes these ideas that I wrote for an economics class in 2008: Complementary Currencies Increase Economic Sustainability (PDF)

One recurring question I have is: to what degree would having a universal protocol for trading different currencies facilitate there being more of them commonly and easily used and exchanged?

One reason I’m enamoured with Ripple’s and Stellar’s designs is that they facilitate trade between currencies (which can be virtual currencies or proxies for other things). One potential problem is that they enforce the use of their own monopoly currency in order to transact these other currencies. This is why I’m curious as to the potential of a plain ‘bare bones’ trade protocol based on the federated consensus protocol (FCP) that is free from any direct linkage with an underlying transaction currency. This might be useful for facilitating trading information flow between disparate actors completely free of any single central currency or network. The primary driving question for this is whether it would be intrinsically useful and valuable enough in its own right to motivate use and validation without the incentive of the built-in transaction fees that are provided by XRP/STR currencies. This is similar to how the internet itself operates. ISPs and internet backbones are incentivized to provide data flow based on out-of-band financial agreements. The beauty of ripple/stellar/ethereum is that they build the validation incentive right into the system. But they are precomposed of several layers of protocols into one system. My question is what value is there in refactoring the trade protocol layer into its own standalone protocol.

Ethereum takes the transaction currency (the Ether) a huge leap further by enabling logic to be validated with it. In some ways this is orthogonal to the idea above of the benefit of a bare-bones implementation of an FCP-based trading protocol. Ethereum has its own consensus protocol and makes it possible to define a Ripple-like trading network directly on the Ethereum block chain. The potential problem is that it again creates a dependence on the Ethereum central (monopoly?) currency in order to transact.

My curiosity remains as to whether there’s some benefit to there being a pure definition of an FCP-based trading protocol, one that’s completely free of any one underlying monopoly currency system. In some ways it would be a pure protocol in the sense that it would exist primarily as a white paper or protocol description document. It would exist materially first as a reference implementation that runs based purely on intrinsic motivation, and later by various implementations on top of any or all specific information exchange systems, block-chain or otherwise. Perhaps it would just be what Ripple and Stellar already are, but without the XRP/STR layers.

The potential benefit from having this sort of generic FCP trading protocol is akin to having a universal DSL (domain specific language) for currency trading. My sense is that this would foster greater ability for intrinsically motivated parties to get up and running with trading a new currency. Cyclos provides a great product for getting up and running quickly with a new currency, but it does so solely through creating a new walled and isolated garden. A universal protocol for trading currencies would facilitate more communication between different and disparate currency systems.

A self-hosting self-emergent system

The goal: an app hosting system that is emergent from that which is hosted.
The beginning: a component consisting of one UI button that when clicked begins a component creation/extension process that can both construct its own self and any larger system composed of self-emergent pieces. This larger system includes within it this same ability to modify and extend itself.

Primary aspects are the approach to self building and the final user view. WordPress is increasingly adding features that Drupal pioneered in terms of abstracting the notion of what is a “post”, or a “node” in Drupal, to make it easier to add custom content types. You can create a new content type, add predefined or custom fields to it, to create something specific like “Product” or “Article” and to differentiate it from a blog post or web page using different fields. These are CMSy things. In attempting to actually use these systems on both Drupal and WordPress, I’ve found that there is a conceptual difference between the backend user interface for generating these custom content types, and the front end display. Usually, the backend system works well for creating the data schema and editing the data, but there are large obstacles for creating and using the display part work without a lot of custom front end work. The biggest trouble with both the backend and the frontend is that they have strong opinions about how the data is stored in the DB and significant platform requirements for how the data is displayed within the context of the pre-existing WordPress and Drupal way of doing things. Both pretty much require using custom templates and display themes to really make use of the custom types, and even then, the designer needs to know the platform specific ways of doing things. This then spreads the custom types logic out between very different layers: DB storage for data schema, DB storage for data, business logic in a code module, display logic in templates (stored either in a DB or in code), display style in a theme.

One challenge I keep running into is how to abstract this CMS idea of custom content types on the backend side even more, and yet at the same time how to make all the pieces work together even better out of the box on the frontend display and usability side. The Ceptr and Om.Next approaches seem to be heading in similar directions of encapsulating all the parts of a given unit of system into one package that is constructed with specific rules to make it interoperable with other packages. The notion here is more one of self-contained packages that adhere to global protocols of package interoperability. I can imagine abstracting WordPress and Drupal modules further to arrive at a similar place. I can imagine a WordPress Ceptr module that acts as a container for running this new kind of module. This container module could itself be, or include, a module generator for creating new modules, and even for modifying itself, since it’s generated from its own self-emergent creation methods.

Show Yourself

Do you see your self as a spirit warrior? I see being a spirit warrior, one who practices spiritual warfare, to be as much about burning away external energy vampires and cleansing internal parasites as it is about allowing some aspects of one’s self to die so that some aspects may live. I have been deepening in this perspective especially in the past month starting with intimate contact with a woman who sees her self as a Spirit Warrior, and then subsequently being amplified through listening to the lyrics over and over of Ayla Nereo’s song, Show Yourself, while remixing it. I interpret the words of the song to be spoken toward a masculine self identity that objectifies the feminine: “I do not show my skin for you, I show my self to know my self, and for the earth from which I came. I pray for you to do the same.” The chorus, “I release you,” seems relevant here. By releasing the negative masculine’s self identity from her scope of influence, she releases her self from its binding. Another line was particularly powerful for me, as I came into this remix process soon after being ill and feeling like I was allowing a less healthy aspect of my self to die, so that a more healthy aspect might live: “You can call her back to you, you can die, die, die, die, bye, bye, die, die, die.” I interpret this line to be telling the masculine self identity that in order to call back the powerful feminine who rejected him, he must allow the “negative,” objectifying aspect of his self identity to die.

This is my first remix, and was a last minute effort. I spent about 30 hours total on it across two days. I knew I would regret it if I passed up the opportunity to participate in Ayla’s remix contest, even though I have no expectation of having my track chosen. It was such a pleasure to listen so closely to the nuances of feeling in Ayla’s beautiful voice over and over, always fresh and inspiring. Thank you Ayla for putting your stems out to be remixed!

Vocals: Ayla Nereo
Guitars, Bass, Violin, Drum Design: Thomas Spellman

Time is a fire we burn in

Time is a fire we burn in, we breath it in, soak in it, push it out, work it with our hands, fingers, minds. It flows in streams between our temples, out through our pores, connecting all atoms in a dance of transmission, progression in sequence. Time is a pattern of vibration linking one state of being with another, and another, and another, ever forward, onward, even while shining in reverse. Light connects the forward and the backward in the sequence, lighting up the way, and showing where we’ve been. It’s a neutral party to the endless stepping forward of time, even an enabler, a translator from one state to another, brought on by the flow of heat from hot towards cool, steady state, thermal transfer. This is life, caught in an eddy between the lines in the motion of currents of hot magma, the molten rock of existence.

Daniel is self-deceived

You say you are self-deceived …. and so you are!
You say you are in danger … and so you are!
You say you are missing the point … and so you are!

If by these things you mean in the material world, well then yes this is true more or less for all of us …

But you quote Jesus saying that few find the gate to life. If you are implying this in the literal, material sense, then this is obviously false since everyone alive is already there, and doesn’t need a gate to find it. But instead, this is a spiritual, metaphorical saying, which has multiple meanings.

In one sense, by this He is making allusion to the divine infinite eternal unity present within all of existence. This singular “I AM” reverberating throughout all of the cosmos, within every atom, within every galaxy, within every heart, is the foundation and center of it all, and is the gateway through which one is able to arrive at a faint glimmer of an idea of God, Who is totally and completely beyond any conception.

But this is still a literal meaning, though a universal one, that anyone who reflects at all upon material reality easily discovers.

There is another metaphorical meaning that is the one more intended. He is primarily referring to Himself, to His Forerunners and to His Returns. The Prophet is the Gate to Life in as much as They open a passage way least seen and understood by the people of Their day. They bring a Medicine most needed and least wished-for. They bring a Truth most just and least appreciated, except by those who are favored by God. In this way, They are a Gate that few find, since few truly look.

Since you are speaking of a spiritual reality, your claim to be self-deceived, missing the point, and in danger are also spiritual realities. In this light, your basic inner self-identity is one of self-deceit and danger. Your core idea of your own self identity is one of “missing the point,” in other words, missing your own self. If you can’t trust your self within your self, how can anyone else trust you? If you are in danger within your self, how can anyone else feel safe with you? If you are missing the point of your own self, how can anyone else find and know you?

77 Jesus said, “I am the light that is over all things. I am all: from me all came forth, and to me all attained. Split a piece of wood; I am there. Lift up the stone, and you will find me there.”

50 Jesus said, “If they say to you, ‘Where have you come from?’ say to them, ‘We have come from the light, from the place where the light came into being by itself, established [itself], and appeared in their image.’ If they say to you, ‘Is it you?’ say, ‘We are its children, and we are the chosen of the living Father.’ If they ask you, ‘What is the evidence of your Father in you?’ say to them, ‘It is motion and rest.'”

My purpose in writing what I did was as an exploration of the unity that can be realized in the experience of “I am-ness” or “is-ness.” In as much as we all have this experience of “I am-ness” it can be a potent unifier, especially when we recognize this as a base level commonality between us. The experience of self existence itself is a great source of unity which crosses boundaries of religion, race, gender, nationality, age, wealth, experience, etc. It’s a universal. It’s the foundation upon which Jesus’ message of loving your neighbor as your self is based. Without this experience, the idea of God’s I Am-ness is quite impossible to comprehend.

3 Jesus said, “If your leaders say to you, ‘Look, the (Father’s) imperial rule is in the sky,’ then the birds of the sky will precede you. If they say to you, ‘It is in the sea,’ then the fish will precede you. Rather, the (Father’s) imperial rule is inside you and outside you. When you know yourselves, then you will be known, and you will understand that you are children of the living Father. But if you do not know yourselves, then you live in poverty, and you are the poverty.”

Jesus quotes are from:http://www.pbs.org/…/religion/maps/primary/gthomas.html

Spring Desires Eternal

I want to see you again.

What should I do about this?  What is this power you have to stir up this little vortex  of longing within me?  I am usually fairly content being alone, all one.  But today, there’s this extra pull, a void of sorts, saying, “Where is she?  Where is she?”  This voice is always here, but yesterday, it was ignorable, and I could go about my business, business as usual.  But today, this desire has sprung up, a fresh a seedling, sprouting its arms above the earth, out of the dirt along the path I walk daily.  Such a beauty, reaching for the sun with its outstretched green hands, and rooting its grey way into the soil.  This desire for life comes suddenly and redefines my experience of this present moment.  This desire for existence, for being.  This is my raison d’être, my reason for being, free.  This IS my being, this fire, this eternal flame.

I perceive this flame is strong in you, fueled by a constant pull of opposites, light of the south, dark of the north, and harmonized by the divine unity present in all of Reality.  This is the “chaos maker” that you try to control, to balance.  Not too much, but please not too little.  It feels so good to  let it spin, to unleash it upon the earth, upon the hearts of men, upon the eyes of all beings, even the stones beneath your feet, and the moon above your head.  This cosmic dipole embedded within your being, is your being, and must be felt to be believed, and then comes a knowing, deeper than any programmed belief can ever hope to achieve.  Feeling this being brings a knowledge of the deepest dark where only the slightest bit of light can reach, and only enough to know, “yes, this is it; this is the reason for being.  This IS being.”

When we gazed into each other’s eyes, what did you see?  After a little eternity, you suddenly looked into the fire, to your left.  Was that in response to a perception of me, a memory, or both, or some other reason to flee?  A penny for your thoughts.  What is the me of which you see?  Did you see through the clouds into the eternity?  Did you find that place where the who, the what, the why, the how, and the when all harmonize into one grand symphony? … and continuously sing, “aaahhh, yes! I am me!  I am free!  I am whom I wish to be!  I am here now!  I am!  I am!  I am!  Aaaaahhhhh, yaaaaaaaaa!”

I hope so.

So anyway, this is all my way of saying thank you for stirring me up!  If I had your number I would call you and say, “please please me and come out and play with me today.  It’s a beautiful day to play!”