My dream woman is emotionally intelligent, rational, and intuitive. These three aspects are in harmony. She enjoys silence and finds time alone to be fulfilling and nourishing. She is beautiful to me inside and out. When I think about her I smile, as she does about me. We communicate wonderfully, and enjoy long conversations, interspersed with pregnant silence. We are open to the possibility of conceiving a child together, and are aware of this possibility, but are in no rush. We hear each other completely and enjoy each other’s soliloquies. We accept each other for who we are, and find endless delight in each other’s positive attributes and virtues, but can also comfortably and carefully criticize each other without fearing breakdowns or hostile reactions. We love each other more deeply every day, and respect each other immensely. We find plenty of playful moments, and keep each other smiling and laughing regularly. When we look into each other’s eyes, we see our selves. We are the loves of each other’s lives.
A friend asked me what resonates with me most about a recent interview with David Deida by Common Ground (page 40).
What resonates with me most is what he describes as third stage experience and relationship (or what I call identity), in which “we allow the universe to live us.” “All of us are being lived by an infinite force that is living everything.” “When you rest in this present moment, it is wide open. In your masculine, there is nothing happening.” “Finding your purpose is fully sinking into the present moment and letting reality manifest through you as a gift to all.” There’s very little stereotypically “masculine” or “feminine” in that.
I’ve been mainly focusing on Consciousness itself as the big “I” in my identity, rather than more specific objective characteristics of “masculinity,” “man,” or “male.” Before I am a man, I am I AMness itself. I’ve been looking at Consciousness as a universal identity that applies equally to both masculine and feminine, like a single larger circle and center pivot point that encompasses and roots the overlapping circles of masculine/feminine, yin/yang. In my experience and view, one can sometimes identify so much with one’s polar identity that some universal consciousness attributes can become weakened, and over-dependence on the complimentary polarity can result. Whereas keeping the polar identity in a second position to the singular universal “I” of Consciousness can both ground and also invigorate the polarity identity, by giving it foundation as well as a greater scope and potential. One can always look at the point of common unity in a duality, and that’s generally the best place to relax into in a polar relationship.
However, it’s interesting that David names the highest expression of the masculine as consciousness, and the feminine as something else like light, energy, radiance, and emotion, if I’m reading it correctly. I tend to see this as a colorization caused by his own natural masculine lense, and the historical “male-gazing spiritual traditions,” as he mentions. In my opinion, by letting one of the polarities “own” consciousness, it perpetuates a conceptual duality.
My intuition leads me to name the highest of both polarities as pure consciousness or light, with the masculine having a hue with a penetrating quality, and the feminine having a hue with a surrounding or encompassing quality, etc. The duality is one of complimentary hues, rather than separate characteristics. But this is just an attempt to find the right words for something that is profoundly transcendent over names and labels.
I’ll most likely reread it at some point to get more of what he’s saying.
I did it again. I proceeded into a sexual relationship even though upon our first kiss, I felt a degree of a no, or something essential missing. The thing is, I also felt a degree of a yes, but it was not an infinite, spiritual, “this is it” yes. Rather, it was more a physical, temporal, “I want you” yes, mixed with some fantasy, dream, “you seem like an idea of a kind of woman I imagine that I want to be with” yes. But the essential infinite, all-encompassing, whole body-soul-mind-spirit, “I’m open to this all the way in my heart and am completely in awe of the infinite beauty of this eternal experience” yes was present only to a limited degree, and was too weak in comparison with the physical attraction and dream projection. And I’m re-discovering again, for the nth time, that this spiritual yes is the most important one – and really the only one that matters at all. The others are empty husks, reflections several degrees removed from the source of true happiness: spiritual oneness.
Unfortunately, almost every single sexual relationship I’ve entered into has begun with a similar experience of the spiritual yes missing entirely or only present in a marginal degree. My most recent lovers have been the highest degree of presence of this spiritual yes, but it’s still been less than an infinite eternal one. Is this even attainable? My pattern has been to override my spiritual no/maybe and proceed with the lower forms of yes. And I have been with many lovers (30).
I’m sorry, God, and my Self, for sacrificing the possibility of an infinite spiritual union for a handful of moments of fleeting transitory fornication, of carnal tension release, of opening the gates of love-bonding too soon or at the wrong time.
What is the critical and essential ingredient that could possibly bring this infinite spiritual yes to fruition, if any? One factor that I increasingly consider is the desire, openness, and intention for a conception of a child to occur as a result of love-making. This is the most literal, fundamental, and tangibly eternal union of two beings. Yes, the spiritual heart bond that can result from two lovers uniting in love-making can so entangle the particles of their energetic beings that they feel each other’s heart beats from across the planet, and know when something happens to each other instantly. But these hearts can also become dis-entangled with time , and I increasingly see this quantum heart entanglement as a secondary effect in direct service of the physical uniting of each other’s DNA into a new being. This physical DNA binding, when combined with the spiritual quantum entanglement of the lovers’ hearts, is the raison d’être of life. Life brings forth life, which brings forth life, which brings forth life, etc.
I’ve only a few times had the experience of love-making in which I was open to the possibility of a child being conceived. But never was this a mutual agreed upon experience with my partner. Every time it was a moment of passion in which the experience of cumming inside my lover overwhelmed me at the moment of orgasm, a moment in which I made the choice that if a new someone were to be conceived in this moment, that would be fine with me. However, in every case, my partner did not agree with my spontaneous decision. And even though they have been extremely caring and understanding, in no case was there an expression of approval for having taken such a liberty with their fertility. They, after all, are the ones who are immeasurably more impacted by the reality of conception than I, the man, am.
Making a baby is a big deal. One not to be taken lightly. Creating a new being and raising them up to be a good person is the most important and significant act we can possibly do in this world. The imperative to take this responsibility seriously is I think the main factor in why my sexual relationships have consistently been superficial and unfulfilling. I’ve yet to be with someone with whom I would happily and with no second thoughts enter into parenthood and devote the rest of my life to being a father and a husband.
So now what? Do I stop having sex? I’ve been contemplating taking a one year break from sex, to clear my slate, to get clear on what I want, and to give myself a chance to be more sure of what any potential partner really brings to the union. But really, do I just want to take a year break from a sex-driven union? Or is what I really want instead rather to shift to a completely different paradigm? Rather than taking a break from sex, maybe what I’m really wanting is to stop having shallow sexual relationships and instead enter into a divine and sacred union of conception and parenthood with a soul mate and partner for life. In this union, we don’t have mere sex, rather we make divine love. In this view, may my next lover be my sacred wife forever.